Want to be able to:

• Learn how to retain (or take back) control in the face of too many turtles?
• Put your foot down when your nearest and dearest brings home his or her umpteenth turtle?
• Hold your head up without embarrassment when discussing your spouse's hobby?
• Preserve peace at all costs?

Read on . . .

Note: This program will also work for football wives, motorcycle wives, and everyone else whose significant other's hobby has gotten out of hand! In most cases, all you have to do is substitute the appropriate word (e.g., “basketball,” “ballet,” “bungee jumping”) for “turtle.”

No matter how many turtles are at issue at your house (one, ten, or one hundred and ten), this easy-to-follow, 7-step program is guaranteed to show you how to live with-and perhaps even love-turtles, to say nothing of your spouse who loves turtles.

After studying these steps, you'll know how to charm your spouse into thinking he or she is getting exactly what they want. (Actually, they are.) The important thing to remember is that so are you!

Step 1: Learn your spouse's turtles' names. (If your spouse keeps more than 10 turtles, go directly to Step 4.) Your spouse will be grateful and oh, so impressed. Step 2: Discover inventive ways to praise your loved one's turtle(s), no matter what you really think. ("You know, dear, its eyes really are rather…expressive.") Your spouse will be grateful and oh, so impressed. Step 3: Brush up your Latin (click here). Learn the scientific names of your spouse's animals. He or she will fall at your feet and cover them with kisses! Step 4: Leverage the turtles in the house to your advantage. Acceptable trade-offs can include, but are not limited to: A vacation to Paris, London, Rome, St. Barts . . . A 55" UHD OLED TV A Tesla A solar-home on 20 acres of land A diamond encrusted tiara (just kidding! Or, maybe not.) 24/7 maid service Think BIG! That's what your significant other did when he or she added a foot-long, 100-pound sulcata tortoise to the household, right? Step 5: Pretend not to fall for the cute baby turtle your spouse just brought home. Step 6: Hide the fact that you're beginning to like turtles: Remind yourself how much turtles eat and poop Imagine what your home would be like with twice the number of turtles! Step 7: Remember — Things could be much worse! For example, there are people who collect sand. According to an article in The New York Times a few years back, at least one member of The International Sand Collectors Society has gathered 40 samples from 160 countries. The Times reported that the Society's president denied membership to a man "with 350 pounds of rocks in the shape of food, including fruitcake, roast beef, cheesecake and bacon."

That said, you can also be glad your significant other is not nearly as crazy as the guy you may have read about who keeps caimans (a reptile closely related to the alligator) in his basement.

Whenever your spouse and his/her turtles drive you mad — just think, he or she could be drinking, gambling, cheating on you, AND keeping turtles. Whew!

What to do when reptile-related divorce is hovering on your horizon: The next time your sweetie goes over the top, reptile-wise, before initiating divorce proceedings, why not suggest that he/she bring home flowers, chocolate, or something really special from Home Depot that will make it all up to you!

And don't forget, Confessions of a Turtle Wife makes a wonderful gift for your poor, beleaguered spouse!